Sex Talk 101

So I'm watching Supernanny with Avery and Nanny Jo finds a condom in the 13 year old's room. Avery says "what's a condom" I'm like "uhhh it's birth control that men use." She looks confused, so i try again. "Um... it's like.. it's this plastic latex thing that they put over their penis." She ran from the room with her hands over her ears....yep...that went well

Say Something Now Bitch

Quotable Quotes

It's a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word. ~Andrew Jackson

Reason 1,983,013,098 That I'm going to hell.

Some Jehovah Witness's came a calling today. I was not in the mood. I tried to be polite and just say no thank you but they kept talking. I finally just said, "I can't find comfort in a religion that won't allow me to celebrate my birthday or even celebrate Jesus' birthday." Then I slammed the door. They're probably still out there praying for me.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned

I've had unpure thoughts about Joseph Gordon-Levitt again.....

Quotable Quotes

“Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.” - Kurt Vonnegut

I've been thinking of getting a breast reduction, but then my oldest who was having a bad day, came and sat down next to me and laid her head on my breasts and said "Mom, I love your boobs. They're the best pillows and they make me feel better." Now what kind of mommy would I be if I got rid of the best pillows that have the magical powers to make an 8 year old feel instantly better.

Favorite Movie Quotes - Black Snake Moan

‎"I never laid a hand on her in anger. Not one time, R.L. Not even when I was drinking. But this here business has me wondering what a good shake and slap will do for her." - Lazarus

Things that make me go..."la sigh"

Just watched Dirty Dancing. *happy sigh* If I, as a writer, could write a book that made people feel the way watching Dirty Dancing makes me feel, I'd die (many many many many years from now of course) a happy person. "Nobody puts Baby in the corner." I still don't know what the hell that means, but I'd be damned if I don't sigh every time I see that part.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SLWzZoDmhg

WTF!!!!

I have officially reached the end of the internet. I found a website called Christian Nymphos. The tag line is "Married Sex: Spicy, the way God intended it to be!"

The More You Know....

Snowglophobia (Sxo-glo-fobbiyahk): The fear that when you shake a snowglobe, you 're ruining the lives of tiny people. ...

Reason 3,547,892

That I'm not going to win the Mother of the Year Award. My eight year old asked me if we were going to do anything special while she was on spring break. Me being me, replied "Yeah, we're going to rock out with our cocks out." She frowned and said, "Our whats?" To which I quickly said "Clocks. You know clocks off the wall. We're going to have so much fun rocking those clocks...so do you want a pony?"

Ah-ha

You know what just occurred to me? Phinease and Ferb is an animated version of Ferris Bueller's Day Off. No wonder I love that cartoon.

Quotable Quotes

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Quotable Quotes

What no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out of the window.~Burton Rascoe.

Say WHAT!!!

It took being around "REALLY" bad kids to realize how good my kids are. It's not that mine are angels, it's just that I finally get that they're not demons.

WTF!!!!

I decided to take a break from writing tonight to go downstairs and make me a little snack. I was in the mood for a fruit salad, so i take out the orange and put it on the cutting board. Go get the diced peaches from the cabinet, open up the fridge to get the strawberries...only to find them gone. I had to make do with orange juice and eating the kids fruit roll ups. It's not the same. It's just not the same at all.

Ummm

Should it bother me that my husband's ex-girlfriend now resembles his mother?

Quotable Quotes

"All men look good in black. Black cars, black clothes....black women." By Me!! Yeah bitch, I quoted my damnself. Don't hate.

WTF!!!!

Et Tu Quaker Oat. Et tu!!!

WTF!!!!

‎"I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." - Carlos that is one drug you do not have to puff puff give. I'm not trying to take anything that will melt my face off. WTF!!!

This is my life....

I tell my husband we need to figure out what we're going to do for dinner for the girls, he replies "They had a fruit roll ups. They'll be fine."

This is my life...

After we return from California Adventureland we get in the pool for a bit. When we get out we put the girls in the tub. I tell Leo that if he will wash their hair, I'll braid it. He's says okay. When we're done I go into the bathroom to take a shower. I notice that there isn't any body wash in the bathroom. I ask Leo what did the girls use to wash up with he replies..."Um..shampoo?"

Quotable Quotes

You know when people are talking about race and color, and they say ‘I don’t care if he’s black, white, green or purple’? Wait a second... purple or green? I say we need to draw the line somewhere. Screw purple people! Unless they’re choking, in which case, help them. - Mitch Hedberg

Quotable Quotes

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. - Mitch Hedberg

Question

Is PMS a legal defense? For example, if I beat my husband over the head with this fucking frying pan because he's his getting on my nerves, can I blame the PMS and get away with it?

The Exception To The Rule....Billy Zane

Ummm...who says men get better with age?

Letters From A Frustrated Reader

Dear Pigmentally Challenged Authors,

You are from this moment forth prohibited from writing black heroines unless you have a black friend to read it over for you. Please keep in mind the demographic you're are trying to reach with your I/R story are not round the way girls. So stop writing characters who are ghetto fabulous because honestly there is nothing fabulous about the ghetto.

Yours Truly,

Me

Love Advice

Best advice I ever heard about dealing with a broken heart "Write his name on a piece of toilet paper, wipe, than flush." Doesn't get more poetic than that.

Favorite Movie Quotes - Girl, Interrupted

Tony - Do you see purple people? My friend, he saw purple people. And so the state came and took him away. He didn't like that. Some time went by and, and he told 'em he didn't see purple people no more.

Susanna - He got better.

Tony - No. He stiII sees them.

And The Moral Of The Story Is...

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,

but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:

Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

Quotable Quotes

Favorite line ever: Take me in your mouth Tabby. No. Not you Corrine. You give lousy head. You're timid and you lack focus. We got to get you some ritalin. - Californication

My Favorite Interracial TV Characters...Kevin & Veronica

I have no shame. I love Shameless and part of the reason is Kevin and Veronica. If you haven't seen this show, you're missing out!!

Quotable Quotes

I have dreamed a dream and now that dream has gone from me. - Morpheus

Insomania

Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me

Happy New Year

My New Year's Resolution is to stop drinking, cursing and procrastinating and I'm going to get started on it as soon as I finish this fucking drink.

WTF!!!!

Ummm...I was looking for some recipes online with potatoes and I stumbled across this picture. I think it's supposed to be ghost....I saw Klans member. I'm going to need my pigmentally challenged friends to never make this when your black friends come over. NEVER EVER!!!!

Things that make you say..hmmm

After watching Love and Other Drugs I'm convinced I have Parkinson's. Leo thinks it's nerve damage from being tied up to many times. Liz thinks it's Carpal Tunnel. Bubba (the dog) thinks my crotch smells good. Only one of us is right....why do I think it's Bubba.

Quotable Quotes

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~ Author unknown